Marriage can be challenging, but with care, commitment, and compromise, there are ways to save your relationship even during the rockiest of times. When searching for "what is the best way to save a marriage", the answer ultimately comes down to whether both partners are willing to put in the hard work. According to recent statistics, around 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce in the United States.
However, many of those divorces likely could have been prevented if the couple was armed with the right tools to weather the storms every marriage inevitably faces. The good news is that by improving communication, overcoming conflicts, reconnecting intimately, and seeking outside support when needed, it is possible to get your marriage back on track. With patience, forgiveness, and dedication to growth, you can build a marriage that stands the test of time.
This article will explore the most common reasons marriages fall apart, provide key strategies to salvage your relationship, discuss when to seek outside help, and offer encouragement that even the most troubled marriages can be saved if both partners commit to the process. Keep reading for real, actionable tips on how to save your marriage starting today.
Why Do So Many Marriages Fail? The Top Causes
Marriage takes work. Even the most compatible, loving couples will inevitably face challenges and need to actively nurture their bond. However, when marriages start to crumble, often it comes down to a few key problem areas that went unaddressed for too long.
According to marriage therapists and researchers, the most common reasons marriages fail include:
Lack of Communication
- One of the quickest ways to drive a wedge in a marriage is by not communicating openly and honestly with your spouse. Failing to share your inner thoughts, dreams, feelings, and daily experiences creates emotional distance.
- Assuming you know what your partner is thinking rather than asking leads to misunderstandings. Poor communication breeds resentment, loneliness, and disconnect.
Unresolved Conflict
- Letting little conflicts and annoyances pile up over time without addressing them eats away at the foundation of marriage. Petty disagreements that are swept under the rug turn into major rifts.
- Failing to deal with core differences in personality, lifestyle preferences, goals, and values through compromise and acceptance leads to ongoing friction. Holding grudges gradually poisons a marriage.
Loss of Intimacy
- When emotional intimacy starts to slip as spouses stop confiding in and listening to each other, physical intimacy often declines as well. It's easy to fall into a rut and grow apart.
- Research shows intimacy and sex in marriage peaks during the first few years, then steadily declines around year 10 unless the couple consciously counteracts the effect.
Other common marriage killers include:
- Substance abuse
- Infidelity
- Financial stress
- Mental health issues
- Physical or emotional abuse
- Conflicting priorities and interests
- Poor work/life balance
- Incompatible temperaments
With mutual understanding and effort, it is possible to build a marriage that stands the test of time, despite inevitable ups and downs.
How to Save Your Marriage: The Top Strategies that Work
Once you identify the core issues plaguing your marriage, it's time to actively work on solutions. With commitment, care, and compromise, you can get your relationship back on track. Though it takes effort from both partners, certain strategies are proven to help rescue marriages from the brink of divorce.Experts recommend focusing on the following areas to save a failing marriage:
Commit to Making It Work
- For marriage counseling or other interventions to succeed, both partners must fully commit to saving the relationship rather than stubbornly seeing it as hopeless. Look for the positive aspects of your marriage that are worth fighting for.
- Be willing to take a fearless moral inventory of your own shortcomings and change your behaviors for the better. You can only control your own efforts.
- Don't dwell on past hurts. Focus on creating a new, positive path forward together. Forgiveness is key.
Improve Communication
- Set aside uninterrupted one-on-one time to talk openly, honestly, and calmly about grievances and issues. Actively listen without judgment or defensiveness.
- Learn each other's communication styles and needs. For example, one spouse may value heartfelt letters while the other prefers informal Check-ins.
- Express your feelings using "I" statements rather than accusing "you" statements. Stay solution-focused.
Work Through Conflicts
- Pinpoint the true core issues and unresolved conflicts that are driving you apart, like money, sex, parenting disagreements, or intimacy.
- Discuss conflicts openly and look for win-win compromises. This may require outside perspectives from a counselor.
- Don't keep score or hold grudges. Move past arguments and forgive each other fully. Let go of the small stuff.
Rebuild Intimacy and Connection
- Make one-on-one couple time a priority, even just short periods like a weekly date night without phones or kids. Try new activities and experiences together to bond. Flirt, laugh, and touch affectionately.
- Express heartfelt appreciation for each other's positive qualities. Send love notes. Compliment each other's appearance to boost confidence.
- Reignite physical intimacy through increased affection or trying marriage books with intimacy tips. Don't neglect your sex life. Your physical connection feeds the emotional.
When Should You Seek Marriage Counseling? 8 Signs You Need Help
Don't wait until your marriage is falling apart to get help. Seeking outside support from a trained marriage counselor or therapist at the first signs of trouble can make a huge difference. Marriage problems rarely resolve on their own without an intervention.
Consider relationship counseling if:
- Communication has broken down - You can't have calm discussions without extreme defensiveness or anger. Conversations feel pointless.
- You're unable to resolve conflicts - You're constantly fighting over the same issues again and again without any resolution. Small issues balloon into major fights.
- Emotional or physical affairs have occurred - Infidelity severely damages trust. Counseling may help you rebuild your bond or decide to separate.
- Mental illness or substance abuse is disrupting the marriage - Individual or couples counseling helps address how these issues impact the relationship.
- Finances are a major source of conflict - A financial therapist can help you and your partner get on the same page.
- There is any kind of physical, sexual or emotional abuse - Abuse should never be tolerated. A counselor can help the victim safely leave.
- Your sex life feels stale - A sex therapist can help revive intimacy through exercises, dialogue tips and more.
- You're living like roommates - If you've grown apart and are disconnected, counseling helps reignite closeness.
How to Save Your Marriage: 8 Proven Ways to Get Help
You don't have to save your marriage all on your own. In addition to your personal efforts as a couple, reach out for assistance from trusted professionals, faith communities, educators and support groups. Different types of help are available to give your marriage a boost.
8 ways to get help for your relationship struggles:
Seek Marriage Counseling
- Work with a licensed marriage counselor or therapist, either individually or as a couple. Counseling helps improve communication, resolve conflicts and renew intimacy. Look for someone experienced with marriage issues.
- Many counselors today offer virtual sessions by phone or video chat for convenience. Make sure you feel comfortable opening up.
- Know that therapy often gets uncomfortable before it gets better! But sticking with it is worth it.
Talk to Your Faith Leader
- Speaking with a pastor, priest, rabbi or other clergy member provides both counseling and spiritual comfort.
- Many religions also offer marriage enrichment classes and workshops.
Read Self-Help Books Together
- Books with marriage tips give you concrete steps to apply at home. Take insights from the books and discuss them together.
Enroll in a Marriage Education Class
- Marriage classes through churches, community centers and online teach relationship skills. Learn through videos, workbooks and more.
Try Couples Workshops
- Intensive weekend marriage workshops dive deep into issues. The Gottman Institute offers science-based workshops.
Listen to Marriage Podcasts
- Podcasts let you conveniently learn marriage tips during your commute or chores. Hear from experts and real couples.
Join a Support Group
- Groups like Marriage Encounter create a community of couples facing similar problems. You don't feel so alone.
See a Financial Advisor
- Money issues strain many marriages. Financial planners help get finances on track.
It Takes Two: Saving a Marriage Requires Effort From Both Spouses
They say it takes two to tango. This is definitely true when it comes to saving a marriage on the brink. As the old adage goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Your marriage problems won't magically disappear if only one partner puts in genuine effort while the other refuses to engage.For a marriage to be saved, a few key conditions must be met:
- Both spouses must be fully committed to putting in the hard work and emotional labor required to get their marriage back on track. The process won't be easy, but you both need to want it.
- The spouse who is reluctant must be willing to participate in marriage counseling sessions, read relationship books, and have regular check-ins even when uncomfortable. You can't save a marriage solo.
- Don't try to force your unwilling spouse to engage through ultimatums and demands. This will only breed resentment. You can only control your own commitment. Lead by example.
- Focus on being the best spouse you can be - forgiving, patient, affectionate, supportive. Model the marriage you want and hope your partner follows your lead. Don't criticize them or lay blame.
- Make the marriage a priority over other obligations like work, hobbies, or socializing with friends. Devote quality time to reconnect.
- Embrace self-improvement by bettering yourself in areas your spouse has criticized like your communication style, anger issues, selfishness, etc.
- Stay optimistic. Assume your reluctant partner is capable of change even if it takes time. But accept that the marriage may not ultimately survive despite your efforts.
When to Call It Quits: How to Know if Divorce is the Healthiest Choice
Ending a marriage is a complex, intensely difficult decision that shouldn't be made lightly. While it should be viewed as an absolute last resort after trying everything within your power to make it work, certain circumstances indicate divorce may be the healthiest path forward.Consider initiating divorce proceedings if:
- Abuse is present - Any form of domestic violence, sexual coercion, intimidation or emotional abuse. Your safety must come first.
- Addiction issues refuse to improve - An addicted spouse who won't get help devastates trust. Protect yourself and kids.
- Infidelity continues - Serial cheating that won't stop destroys the foundation of marriage. Some can't overcome betrayal.
- You've tried marriage counseling extensively - If after sincere effort with a therapist, nothing changes, the relationship may be too far gone.
- You've addressed the relationship issues - Incompatibility, lack of intimacy, constant conflict won't improve without mutual effort. You can't force change.
- One partner abandons the family - Physical leaving or emotional checking out. You can't bond with someone not present.
- Mental illness prevents healthy relating - Personality disorders, for example, may make a spouse incapable of real intimacy.
- Domestic violence puts you at risk - Seek help to safely leave rather than hope for change. Your well-being comes first.
Saving Your Marriage: With Effort and Support, It's Possible
When facing serious marriage problems, it's easy to want to throw in the towel. However, resist making any permanent decisions when emotions are running high. With the right strategies and support, many marriages on the brink of divorce can be repaired and even strengthened. The key is a willingness from both spouses to put in consistent effort over time.To recap, the most effective ways to save a marriage include:
- Recommit to making it work at all costs. Believe it's possible.
- Improve how you communicate with empathy, honesty and patience. Listen more.
- Get any underlying issues out in the open to tackle them as a team.
- Intentionally rebuild emotional and physical intimacy through dating again.
- Seek counseling to gain unbiased guidance and new skills.
- Address troubling behaviors like addiction that corrode the bond.
- Make the marriage a top priority over outside stressors. Nurture your friendship.
- If needed, trial separation to gain perspective before deciding on divorce.
Don't lose hope. Commit to being your best self and actively renewing your bond. Your happy, life-long marriage could be just around the corner. You've got this!
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